Yes, that little astronaut is my child. (The right side of the image represents his/her heartbeat.)

What appears in this photo to be a short person in a spacesuit seated on some kind of cool-looking rocketship chair is actually our developing baby, 22 mm long from “crown to rump” at the time it was taken last week. (“Crown to rump” being a term I can honestly say I’ve never heard before, but which I assume I will quickly be getting used to.)

While doctors tend to speak in metric terms, all of the books, apps, and blogs that Wifey and I are reading these days like to use their own thematic reference points to measure the developmental process. Her favorite app of the moment, My Pregnancy Calendar by The Bump, uses a different fruit or vegetable every week – all the way from poppyseed to jackfruit (with stops at pomegranate, rutabaga, and coconut along the way). My “man app,” mPregnancy (“for Men with Pregnant Women,”) uses, well, “man stuff:” a match, beer cap, cigarette, beer bottle (12 oz, presumably), football, and eventually a large pizza.

I don’t smoke cigarettes, and I’m not really into football; this is, after all, So guess what we’re going to do??

First, though, a few disclaimers:

  1. All of the below measurements are totally estimated (I primarily used The Bump for basic reference). Please don’t take this exercise too seriously.
  2. For the sake of ease, I am disregarding the weight of packaging, which is extremely difficult to evaluate accurately without some pretty complex mathematics (or actually weighing each bottle). This is supposed to be fun, and that kind of math is not. However, remember that this skews things pretty heavily – I don’t recommend that you start using actual bottles for reference, as you may scare the shit out of your partner. (Sometimes, the glass weights a lot.)
  3. The images I am using this time around (with the exception of the one above, of course) are not my own. (If you’re interested, each links back to the source.)


1 shot ≈ .83 oz ≈ right around week 13. (Which happens to be when most people start spreading the word about their pregnancy. I got a little ahead of myself with this one, but when our baby is this size – in just a couple of weeks! – I will put my name on here.)


50 ml “nip” (AKA “airplane size” liquor bottle) ≈ 1.67 oz ≈ week 14.

After that point, things start to look a little more like this, relatively speaking:

  • 187 ml “split” (also usually found on airplanes, and/or sparkling) ≈ 1/2 pound ≈ week 18.
  • 375 ml “half bottle” ≈ 1 pound ≈ week 24.
  • 500 ml bottle (most likely dessert wine) ≈ 1 1/2 pounds ≈ weeks 25 – 28.
  • 750 ml bottle (standard wine bottle) ≈ 2 pounds ≈ weeks 25 – 28.
  • 1 L Carafe ≈ 3 pounds ≈ weeks 29/30.
  • 1.5 L Magnum ≈ 4 pounds ≈ weeks 32/33.
  • 3 L Jeraboam ≈ 8 pounds = now that’s one bigass baby.

I hope this helps provide some context. Now, next time you want to get fucked up with your buddies at the local wine bar, you can tell your wife you’re “studying your baby’s development.”

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